Attached.

Despicable Me — I’ve got your leg scene.

Everything became blurry. There are times when we need to pause and take a step back. I have been passing through one of those times. Therefore, I asked my life coach to recommend a book that can help me understand myself and what is happening, a book that can also keep me good company. What other than a book can be our companion in those tough times?

A charger’s saddle is an exalted throne.

The best companions are books alone.

Al-Mutanabbi

The book that my coach recommended is called Attached co-authored by psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. In this article, I reflect, synthesize, and summarize all the precious and timeless lessons I learned from the book that I highly recommend to anyone who wants to have better relationships — any kind of relationships.

Although this book focuses on romantic relationships, understanding one’s attachment style can help him or her maintain other kinds of relationships such as those with family and friends. According to the book, adults show patterns of attachment similar to patterns of attachments of children with their parents.

Lesson #1 There are three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.

There is a misconception that everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. Scientific research shows it is not true. The attachment styles are defined as follows:

1. The Secure: Those are the lucky ones who are comfortable with intimacy, are warm and loving, and know how to effectively communicate their expectations and to respond to their partners’ needs.
2. The Anxious: They are the people who crave intimacy and require constant reassurance that other people love them. Once threatened they will resort to a lot of acting and drama, also known as protest behavior. They often result in scaring people away.
3. The Avoidant: those are the ones who equate closeness with lack of independence and bargain for space. They are usually perceived as emotionally distant.

Lesson #2 There is a gravitational pull between the anxious and the avoidant.

Yup. Avoidant people want anxious people, and anxious people are attracted to avoidant people. Why? Because each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about people and relationships, which turns into the psychological phenomenon known as the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Lesson #3 Attachment styles are malleable.

If you fall under the anxious or the avoidant style, it is not the end of the world. You can work on yourself and learn the tactics of effective communication so you can break the pattern that has been repeating for many relationships now. Hasn’t it?

Lesson #4 There are five principles to effective communication.

1. Wear your heart on your sleeve. (I love it how Shakespeare succeeds in proving himself right almost everywhere). For those who are unsure about what the famous saying means, be genuine and honest, be emotionally brave.
2. Focus on your needs. Focus on what you want and not the other person’s shortcomings. Use words like need, feel, and want.
3. Be specific so your partner understands what you exactly mean.
4. Don’t blame. Making the other person feel incompetent, selfish, or inadequate will only lead to another fight. Try to calm down before you start the conversation so you reduce the chance of throwing the blame.
5. Be assertive and non-apologetic. Your needs are valid. While others who have different attachment styles may not find your concerns legitimate, they’re essential for your well-being.

Lesson #5 There are two kinds of conflict.

1. Bread-and-butter conflicts are those that inevitably arise when separate wills and personality traits share daily life: which channel to watch or what temperature to set the air conditioner to.
2. Intimacy-centered conflicts are those conflicts that happen when two people with opposed intimacy needs get together and struggle to find common ground.

Lesson #6 There are five principles for resolving conflict.

Conflict is inevitable. If you are of the insecure attachment style, those five principles will help you resolve conflicts the way secure people do.

1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. Do not blow things out of proportion.
4. Be willing to engage. Be present.
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs. (how? go back to lesson #4)

I really found those six lessons valuable and I am confident what I learned will change how I find the right person and how I react to conflicts in all kinds of relationships. Relationships are precious and consume a lot of our time and energy. It is essential to understand ourself, each other, and how to communicate and react to the dynamics.

I have always admired Ounsi El Hajj and how he ended his articles with a series of quotations for readers to contemplate on. Here is my selection of quotations on the subject from the one and only Viktor Frankl.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

To be sure, man’s search for meaning may arouse inner tension rather than inner equilibrium. However, precisely such tension is an indispensable prerequisite of mental health.

Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.

Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. The salvation of man is through love and in love.